First thoughts

New year and after almost 2 months of being in SG, I will be going back to Melb again in a week's time. It seems like that I have been in SG for a long time, in between there was that trip to Japan, but still, I think I am almost 'acclimatized' to SG and now I will have to leave again.

I remembered that each time coming back, there was always that period of 'adjustment' for me. Trying to get use to being "home". Unlike hubs, it is harder for me to say that SG is home or Melb is (for him, it is HOME when he is back in SG). Most time I would refer to going back to Melb as going "home". But after spending a longer time back here in SG, it is easy to start thinking of here as "home" again.

I am not sure if I like this ping-pong feeling.

For the most part, as much as I enjoy coming back to SG and seeing friends etc, I do miss the quiet and solitude of Melb. We don't do much there and my life pretty much just revolves around Kiddo and hubs. Some will feel that it is pretty boring but perhaps that's how I am. A pretty boring person. Staying in SG inevitably meant a lot of need to fulfil obligations, to do the 'social' things (not of my own wishes) and subjecting myself to meet other people's wishes and demands. Of cos' there is also there fact that we are staying with my parents, which is not all a bad thing, but given some time, some friction tend to occur between my mom and I, sparked off by our volatile tempers. In instances like these, I think longingly of our own little space many kms away in another continent.

I guess I am an escapist. I am never good with meeting others' expectations anyway.

Still, there are going to be things and people i miss here. But I am not sure accumulatively, they add up to make it worthwhile for me to want to stay in SG. Every time i come back, we are always asked when we will move back to SG. To alot of people, we (or rather hubs) have always made it clear that it was just for a duration of time and we would definitely be back (say in a 2-3yrs?). For me, each time, it becomes a little harder for me to say that we will _definitely_ be back... because, I am not sure I really want to.

No... I am not saying that I want to live in Melb forever either. Just that, I become less sure of my place here in SG and bringing up Kiddo here. As she grows older, I cant help but look at the other kids her age and what they are doing (or put to doing) in SG and compare that to Melb. To be frank, I am afraid of the kind of parenting and kids' experiences happening around which I've observed here. To be fair, there is nothing wrong with what parents are doing here, well, nothing wrong given the circumstances parents are subjected to here. But, still, I am afraid. The acceleration of kids' development. The focus on results and value. The huge amount of finances it appeared that parents devote to the kids (happily or otherwise). The inevitable competition (consciously or unconsciously). Without meaning to, perhaps, there seems to be a great focus on materials and time. Everything happens so quickly. Children seems to grow so quickly and yet not fast enough for some. It seems to have gotten to a point that everything looked so stressful (for adults and children) BUT they no longer seem to feel it. I guess children wouldn't know what stress is if they have always grown up with it (till they reach breaking point and that's the dangerously thing, becos' you get few warning signs since the built up is not gradual). And for the adults, either they dont see it, or chooses to close an eye to it (becos' it is reality.. becos' that's what kids' need to learn to survive here..) so they convince themselves that it is good for the kids and that kids enjoy it.

Maybe they do. But would who is on the look out for that tip over the pinnacle? Would we even recognize it? Perhaps i am under-estimating how resilient children can be but my concern is, do we know how much we push the kids when they themselves may not have the ability to let us know? Sometimes i see parents not recognizing the low-level responses (indicative of stress) in their own children. Not becos they don't want to, but becos they dont know how. To recognize those tell-tale signs, one would really need to know the child well (spending alot of quality time to gether, going through problems, letting child problem solve, observing their thought processes, their behaviours when faced with difficulties, coping mechanism they have etc etc). It sounds clinical but all parents can learn this... but you need the time to do so. But where does one find the time when the child spent most of his/her time in childcare, enrichment classes, tuition.. interacting with teachers, helpers, other caregivers and tutors?

I could be just pessimistic and overly concern about nothing. Perhaps alot of children grow up pretty fine (as someone keep reminding me "We also grow up like that what... and we are ok"). But still, it doesnt mean that I agree or is comfortable with the circumstances that children are growing up with here. As much as parental values play a part, one cannot underestimate the environmental impact since kids do not grow up in isolation. You got to work with what you have. As much as things are so 'developed' and 'advance' here, things are far from perfect in my view.

My feelings with regards to these as been a source of contention between hubs and I. I am not sure who is right... and sometimes i feel that we are just not talking on the same page. Yet, I feel that it is something we should work out soon... as Kiddo is growing and time passes quickly.